Violence In Many Forms

We fool ourselves if we think violence is only physical in nature, particularly against women. We’re learning almost daily about how women are abused by men in the workplace, by celebrities, by politicians, by teachers, Olympic trainers…the list is endless. I’ve been sexually harassed by male customers, and sexually assaulted in other seemingly safe environments. It’s clear that more than a few men believe intrinsically that women are there for their own purpose or pleasure. It’s sad, really.

I experience it on social media from men who think nothing of crossing boundaries and speak to me with sexual innuendos. I remember a guy who came into our last business who would pretend to not know I was in the room and then begin to recount all sorts of sexual encounters he’d had over the years in great detail. Then, he would suddenly turn to me and say, oh my…I didn’t realize you were in the room. I had another who would come and comment on how skinny I had become. I had always been waif-like until I became ill and retained fluid that no doctor wanted to deal with. After achieving clinical remission, my weight went back to normal practically overnight. Instead of talking about that success, his comments focused entirely on what I now looked like. It was awful. He did it five times in a row, the last time bringing in a friend who followed suit. The last time he came in, he was alone and uncomfortable, so I assume his friend, someone I would have never expected this kind of behavior from, found his integrity and said something. I was relieved when we closed our business shortly thereafter. I don’t think I could have endured much more.

Sexual harassment is a type of violence. It may not leave a visible mark the way a punch in the face will do, but it leaves a lasting effect anyway. And if it happens to a survivor of sexual assault, it’s terrifying. So it’s just as much an expression of violence as anything else. When a man looks at me intently, I experience panic. When a man tries to intimidate me, I experience panic. And I have a Black Belt in Kenpo and taught in our school for years. Still, as a survivor of sexual assault, I experience panic.

Twitter, along with other social media sites, is a fun place, but not so much when men attack women or vice versa. I had an experience like that recently when a long time friend responded to the guy I was retweeting. The guy had said something that my friend took issue with and didn’t remove my Twitter name from his response before posting. So, since I’ve talked to him many times before, I felt comfortable suggesting that the other guy’s comment may have been inartful, but let’s stay focused on the issue at hand which was the march for gun reform. I didn’t mean anything hurtful by it, but he got mad anyway and warned me not to lecture him. I got upset and told him he should have removed my name from his tweet and to knock it off. Then, after being friends with him from the beginning of my Twitter journey, I blocked him. It was awful.

But here’s the thing. He warned me. His anger toward this other guy was his choice and normally I don’t ever get involved but he included me in his tirade and I’d rather not be part of that. If I want to call someone out, I’m more than capable of doing so, but it has to be me doing it, not tagged in someone else’s response. He had never responded to me like this in the past and I wouldn’t have expected this from him. An explanation of his position, yes. Attacking me, no. So it is what it is now.

Lastly, another form of violence is holding someone in the place of one’s own choosing. It’s when someone throws you away and won’t explain the problem. Instead, they’re happy to keep you at arm’s length, deciding when and if you’re in their life. You can never be fully comfortable around them because you never know when it’s going to happen again, only that it will. It’s a game; it’s gaslighting. It destroys trust and ruins relationships. They never throw the person away entirely preferring to toy with them whenever they like. It’s a level of violence that is soul-crushing.

I read a headline that suggested that anxiety is at an all-time high since the election. So I suppose it stands to reason that some of this would happen. It’s not easy with a nutjob in the White House. But surely we can all think before we speak. Well, most of us anyway.

Something tells me that when the next psychiatric DSM is released, there will be a new classification: Trump Anxiety Disorder. Thank the Goddess for cannabis so while we stay woke, we can stay lifted as well.

Blessings!