Personal Space, Intimidation and Control ~ When Men Get Too Close

Although this post is in response to a video clip I watched, I’m not going to call out anyone in particular because as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t matter. Moving into the personal space of others has always been a method of intimidation and control. It’s not always the case, but the intrusive closeness and the inevitable eye contact or physical contact that follows can be too much for anyone to endure without feeling at least some level of concern or discomfort.

From the perspective of someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse as well as someone with martial arts training, personal space is an issue for me. If anyone moves too close, I’m immediately concerned, even if it’s someone I know well. It’s like, what do you want? In our dojo, we trained students to consider a leg and half distance between themselves and others as a safe distance. Anything closer, and it’s potentially game on. So, if a man comes too close, my focus changes and I either plan for or take evasive measures.

Trust doesn’t come easily for me, especially these days. There seems to be a groundswell of anger amongst younger men who seem unable to peacefully co-exist with others, even in public places. I’ve experienced it in various local grocery stores in my area and now no longer shop in any stores where I’ve experienced this behavior.

Here’s the thing. It’s not that women are suddenly under attack, it’s that we’ve always been under attack. Men have always done as they’ve pleased where women are concerned and if we protested against their intrusions then we were the problem. What’s wrong with us? Why can’t we take a compliment? And other nonsense.

What intrusive men refuse to understand is that women only want attention or compliments from certain people in their lives. In other words, it’s not a come one, come all approach that fills us with joy. No. Unwanted attention terrifies many of us. And because so many of us are survivors of some level of sexual assault or harassment, unwanted attention triggers all sorts of PTSD reactions.

So, to be helpful, I thought I’d list a few of the intrusive behaviors that are problematic and triggering for survivors:

• Personal space violation – also known as leaning in, typically results in a panic response by the survivor. All we see is a man in an aggressive stance looming in our face and we may freeze and be unable to respond or seek safety.
• Unwanted touching of any kind – particularly when coupled with the personal space violation, is so terrifying that again, we may freeze and be unable to respond or seek safety.
• Intense eye contact – survivors experience this as a predator/prey scenario and again, it’s so terrifying that we may freeze and be unable to respond or seek safety. We may become transfixed by the eye contact and be unable to respond, at least until we can breathe again.
• All of the above with a raised voice – destroys many of us. Here, we do the best that we can to get away from the guy.

Note the common theme: the fact that we might experience so much panic that we are unable to respond or seek safety. I used repetition to drive that point home. But the other important point to emphasize here is that how men feel in these circumstances ultimately doesn’t matter, so don’t come back and say that you mean nothing by your actions, that you respect all women, that you’ve worked for women’s rights and all the other excuses that we’ve all heard before. Because if you engage in any of the above, then you’re the problem. Period.

It may not seem fair, but sexual harassment and assault destroy a woman’s safety and security and that’s a forever thing. Even if you’re not the abuser, behavior that is technically innocent on its face becomes a trigger, taking the woman back to the moment of the abuse. And it becomes all too much for us to bear.

The fact is, whether a woman has been assaulted or not a man moving into our personal space to speak to us will never be appropriate, ever. And if it happens to a survivor it creates a level of fear and panic that we can’t deal with it. It’s just how it is. It’s not personal, yet when you dismiss or disregard our fear as irrelevant, you make our lives a living hell.

It’s bad enough that we were harassed, attacked, or assaulted. It’s bad enough that we’ve had to live in fear, perhaps from early childhood. Some of us never find our way out of the pain and struggle of our abuse and for any man to not treat women with the utmost care and respect is staggering. And it must stop.

Men must realize that when they become intense or stand too close, whether they mean to or not, they may scare the shit out of women. It really is that simple. So, if guys don’t want to do that, then start by considering the personal space they keep with women. Understand that anything closer than a leg and a half distance may cause fear. And then move a few steps back if you’re too close.

So, keep your distance. DO NOT LEAN IN toward anyone when speaking, let alone a woman. Keep your hands to yourself. Do not get physical with anyone unless you’ve already established that it’s permissible. But you had better be completely sure that it is. You never know who they are or what their life experience has been. And you’ll never know the damage you may cause, inadvertently or otherwise.

Blessings of peace, love, and understanding to all!